Note: I drafted this memorial essay soon after learning the news of death but held until now because Chinese believe our lives do not completely end until our bodies buried. At roughly 11:30 AM Pacific Time (2:30 in the morning local time in China) on April 3, 2020 the ashes of my father entered the same tomb with my mom.
At 10:10 PM of the Pacific Time on March 30, 2020, my father passed away at nearly the age of 95 (April 25, 1925 — March 30, 2020)! He had been bed-bound for several months and was hospitalized last December. He did not suffer much before his death except difficulties of breathing with the condition of Chronicle Obstructive Pulmonary Disease COPD. He has seen all his four sons and daughters during his final days without missing anyone. Finally, he outlived my mother, who died of Diabetes II in 2014 at the age of 86, even though he had a major surgery back in the 1950s and one of his kidneys was removed ever since, even his surgery doctor claimed that he would only have one or two years to live back then!
All the above should have made me at relatively ease with his permanent departure except I am not! I am still feeling deeply sad and sorrow, days after receiving the phone call from my sister in Lafayette. It is still hard for me to accept the fact that he is gone, together with his smiles, laughs, easy going personality, always pleasant temper and always positive attitude toward life!
Perhaps because I was not there when he left the world? Perhaps his life has been a miracle in every sense of the word? Perhaps because I have learned so much from him, or perhaps because I have disappointed him by showing almost nothing in my life that would make him happier and prouder? I am the first and only person in my family to enter college and to earn a doctorate degree. I should have been the poster child of successes for the family, except I am the opposite of that!
However, complaining and self-pity are the last thing my father would do. If I want to be like him, which I do, I must shake off the negativity and switch to positive gears to move myself forward. This I believe is the best way to honor and to memorize him.
Throughout his life, he had always been eager to learn new things, even though he had never attended college or received formal, institutionalized training of any kind. It matters little if you just want to know, to tackle things you did not know, and to take notes along the way. My father would gather piles of clipped newspapers or magazines to help himself memorize things. He did not have the best memory as far as I know but he always said to me that a crappy pen is better than the best memory. That shows how determined he was in learning just to satisfy his own curiosity. The best thing about him: His perseverance that I have found in few others!
When he learned something new, he put it in actions almost immediately. He was not just a learner but very much a doer! The kind of determination, of following your learning through in behaviors, is in short supply for many.
The other thing with my father is his kindness and friendliness toward people. I have never seen him losing temper with anyone but instead always smiled, sometimes laughed loudly. He was willing to talk to anyone coming to him for advice, comfort and soothingness. He was such a “people person” and natural when it came to helping others! I wish I had his undiscriminating attitude toward everyone but the truth is I am not. Instead I am picky in whom I talk to or befriend with, and sometimes do not even have the curiosity for knowing the names of certain people. To some I can easily open myself up, to pour my heart out, while to others I would rather keep things to myself. I am not a “people hater” for sure but deep down always wanted to be as inclusive and as open to people as he was.
Amazingly, my father was a generous “giver” but a shy “taker”. Although he helped many others and was the most popular person in his working unit, he was always reluctant for asking helps from others. I know he would feel better to die during the pandemic time, because he would not want to trouble others to feel obligated to come to his funeral — public gathering like funeral ceremonies are currently prohibited in China. This shy side had passed onto me as I sometimes am too sensitive about how others would think or interpret my words or deeds.
I close this short essay for my father by saying that he could have lived longer — had he lived in this country. To say just one thing, his frail body suffered greatly from the ambulance driving too fast on the street, an with too low a temperature inside the vehicle. Once they entered the hospital, the first thing they did was to run a CT scan of him, when they should have settle him down, connect him to a ventilator and get some rest first. In the hospital or any public space, smokers always find a way to put their desire above others and there is no way to prevent them from polluting the public air and from second hand smoking. China is a country with a weak service sector. Most people, including medical workers, have never been taught by their parents or trained to have empathy and sympathy toward others, to treat fellow citizens with respect.
It is time to bid farewell to my father! I want to thank him for teaching me so many things that made me who I am today, for being a good model of my life, and for his love and tender care of me and my sisters and brother. Rest In Peace and forever in my heart!